Love is one of the strongest words I know. I fell in love with my first born the second I heard his heartbeat. It was magical. During my pregnancy a part of me felt that my body did not belong to me but to my unborn child. I did everything to make sure he was safe. Looking back I was in a very different place then I'm in now. There were choices that I made after I gave birth that were not safe for my son. I was young and felt entitled to behave young but little did I know that my behavior could have taken me away from my son, that's what made it unsafe. I didn't have love for myself, just love for him and I thought that was enough. I truly believe that God saved me. By his beautiful grace, my eye's began to open and a light within me started to spark. I became the mother that Calvin needed.
When I gave birth to my daughter, it was an instant change. A mother and her little girl is a whole different experience. From day one, she has taught me so much. First, not only was my pregnancy different but having a girl is nothing like having a boy. Second, what I thought I knew as a parent no longer applied when it came to Maisie. And third, with each challenge Maisie presents, get used to the sound of my mother's laughter ringing in my ears. Maisie has this personality and sense of humor that come so easy to her. Through the many sleepless nights and the constant hospital checks she became a fighter. She challenges my parenting skills and I secretly enjoy it. My brother Peter once told my husband, "if you tell her she can't do it, then she'll just prove you wrong". I'm sure I'll also be saying that to him when Maisie hits 13.
I always say that Calvin taught me patience and Maisie taught me prayer.
We were blessed with Carson Robert on 2/21/11. I was tired, hot all the time, my back hurt, my maternity clothes barely fit and I had gained the same 35lbs that I had gained with Maisie. While I did my best to mask my discomfort it proved to be more difficult to mask my irritation with my husband who scheduled his time off so work could find coverage for him...I was planning to VBAC, you can't really plan that. But that's part of his nature to worry about work. And God, apparently, was willing to help him out. I worked a half day on the 18th and then went to my mother in-laws house to celebrate my sister-in-laws birthday. After cake she said, "okay, now he come anytime". God was apparently in a giving mood. By Saturday I was having more frequent contractions but third child an all I was waiting until it was absolutely time. So Carson took his time and by Monday morning we were headed to the hospital. We ended up with a c-section and since he was 10.2lbs I'm very happy that we did. Carson's sugar was very low so he spent the first day in the NICU. And it was probably for the best, I spent the first day getting to know pitocin on a more intimate level. Two bags and lots of meds later I was out for the count. There are only bits and pieces of that day that I remember. One memory I will never forget happened after I left recovery. I was starting to feel the pain from my surgery and the nurse asked if I wanted to take a detour to see my son in the NICU. He was fussing as they put him into my arms and as I quietly ssshhhhed him, he put his hand under my chin as if to say "this is all I need". This tiny little being made everything around us disappear and just for a few minutes we took each other's pain away. I'm so thankful that my husband was there to capture it. This was a very powerful moment for me, one that I will always cherish.
So many tears have been shed for my children, all out of love. Tears shed in the hopes that I can protect them, watch over them, guide them and above all pass on this amazing gift of love. The love that can't be taught in a classroom, bought at a dollar store or found on the side of the road.
Love has given me healing powers, kung fu strength and gut wrenching laughter. It's my love for my children that makes me a super hero. In their eyes my kisses make their pain go away and my hugs protect them from harm. It's because of these super powers that they also believe that I make money grow on tree's, I can hear through walls and have eye's on the back of my head and with just one look I'm able to freeze people. I know that someday they will also possess these powers. And I pray that Maisie will also have a little girl that believes if you cover your eye's, no one will see you.
