When I found out at the tender age of 19 that I was going to be a mother, there was no doubt in my mind that my life had changed forever. If I were able to take a peak into my son's future I don't believe I would have foreseen what was to come for him. At the time I was a single mother and just a child myself. Raising one, in my naive opinion entailed feeding, changing and putting them to bed...job done. Calvin tested every aspect of this theory.
In my 11 years experience as a mother of a boy I have concluded that every boy has received a small dose of what we call ADD. Calvin received about two tablespoons more of this dose. There were always signs and I always asked his daycare, preschool and even kindergarten teachers if they also thought Calvin had a hard time paying attention. They would say, "he's just being a boy". But he would never sit for TV so I would tell myself, "good, I don't want the TV to be the babysitter". However, it would have been nice to do the dishes without worrying about what Calvin broke or swallowed. He would have meltdowns....All. The. Time. I had anxiety about going out in public to a store, to family outings and to friends houses. And I also had a lot of guilt that I had done something wrong and I was just a bad parent. My sweet boy was the most genuine and caring human being and yet at the drop of a dime he became so frustrated and confused. His environment always needed to be on his terms. I often imagined during these moments the house of mirrors, you know the one at the circus where everything becomes disfigured and overwhelming and scary. There were many times that I would have to sit and just hold him, I was helpless in his world. So I prayed and asked for patience...
He was around 2 years old when my life started to move into a more positive direction. I had just started dating my future husband, I had also just started working for a new company and I decided it was time to go back to school. Why not load it on? I've heard many people say, "How do you do it?" and the answer was simple, "My mother did it with four kids, you just do it". There were moments in the beginning of this new life where I often wondered when the black cloud would come back. The lesson I learned was if you start to surround yourself with positive people, you become a more positive person. I found honesty to be an important part of my "growing up" process. And when a black cloud presented itself, it became a lot easier to deal with. Calvin also got a more focused and better (definitely not perfect) mom.
In the first grade, about a week into the school year I got my first note. The teacher (surprise!) wanted to meet with me. She said, "have you ever had your son tested for ADD?". The light bulb went off and I thought, "finally, we may have an answer". I called the town who set up testing and we met with a psychologist and his teacher to go over the results. Calvin, was textbook ADD. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders...and replaced with a whole new set of concerns. So what next? Do I become that parent that medicates my child? Will Calvin lose his signature personality? What am I supposed to do?
The town directed us to a psychologist, fairly well known, who even wrote articles on parenting for the local newspaper. At our first meeting we started with my parenting style and the many things that I could do differently, I remember that being a low-self esteem day. However, I looked to the positive and figured why not, I'll try something new, heck I'll try anything. Calvin was given choices not open ended questions, a strict schedule, a new diet, a layout of errands and consequences if mom could not finish the errands and, of course, constant structure. Sticking to all of this was the key. We had a token jar for every good deed he did with prizes like, "spend an uninterrupted day with mom", "go to the park" or "have a sleepover". There was great improvement over time (and I mean months not day's)in both our lives but Calvin seemed to still be struggling. The Psychologist had us go to the Psychiatrist in the same office to start Calvin on medication.
So here it is 11 years later. Calvin has been on medication since the 1st grade and I can honestly say, he never lost his personality. He is also still visits with a therapist so that (a) Calvin can continue to learn new ways to control his environment and (b) we can continue to help him stay on track. His lifestyle is different from the "average boy". He still has moments but I find that they happen more around people who don't understand the struggle of ADD. I used to be one of those people, I would get angry and yell and wonder why my child could not just behave normal. I'm not sure when it dawned on me that ADD was not a disease. It is a wonderful gift. It taught me, no scratch that, it made me organize my life and in return it helped Calvin find solace in the chaos of his brain. There was an episode of Nanny 911 where the nanny had the mother put on a head set that blared music while her four children ran around. She put a book on her lap and told her to read. She said, "This is what your son is going through every time he needs to concentrate".
Calvin, is by far, the brightest young man I know and the best big brother. Little kids LOVE him which is par for the course with ADD and works best with fenced in yards. He adapts very quickly to (what I believe) are impeccable answers and he finds the holes in your responses and before you know it...you have engaged in a 20 minute conversation about why he is not allowed to drink coffee. He has quirks like washing his hands up to his elbows and making sure the upstairs and downstairs light switches are facing the right way. Because of his ADD I have learned that structure and schedule must always be consistent and yet it must evolve with him. Using a white board for rules today may not work tomorrow. Over the summer we found that Calvin loves to read, so we're at the book store all the time. Chess is another skill that he did not get from me. And karate is his place of structure and respect, never cross the ShiHan. He has even beaten the odds academically and done so at a private school. His teachers and principal care so much and everyone wants to see him succeed. Everyone knows "Calvin" and they usually say that with wide eye's and a nod. There's an energy that a child with ADD brings into a room and it's our responsibility to embrace it.
I am so blessed.
I love this!!
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