I walked with you today

I walked with you today.

I was 14 years old when my Pepe passed away. It was barely a month into my freshman year of private school. My brother Peter picked me up. That was the first sign. He offered me ding dongs, the second sign and then…he asked me how my day was…the red flag, the sirens, the 5-car alarm. “What’s wrong?”  

No one prepares you for the death of a loved one. Do you really want to be that person that sits with a child to explain the different stages of grief? No, you just pray that they don’t ever have to go through it. I thought he was being mean and joking, and then I thought he was lying and then I just didn’t want to talk anymore. We pulled into the driveway of our home and he looked at me and said, "are you okay". I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke I would crumble into a million little pieces. I don’t remember exactly when I started crying, if it was in the car or when I walked in the door and saw my mother sitting on the couch. Probably both. It was the first time I lost someone. I liked playing cards with him and scrabble, I liked that he never let me win. I liked visiting him when he went to the nursing home. And I secretly enjoyed that he always remembered my name. I liked listening to my Aunt Marlene tell stories about him when she was young. He was so tough and strong and he ruled with an iron fist. I smiled when I heard these stories, when I looked in his eye's all I saw was an ocean of love and affection. I knew there was a teddy bear in there. He knew that I saw right through him.

My work schedule recently shifted for the next few weeks. Since Adam leaves before the sun comes up, I get up in the morning at the same time to get the kids up and off to school. I come home to an empty house and do busy work passing the time; the dishes, I make up the beds and open all the curtains. This morning we had a showing scheduled. We’re in the midst of trying to sell our home, my financial burden in this suffering economy. I wiped down walls and dusted, lit the candle for a bit so it smelled like fall Harvest and then I took some time out for me and went to the gym, third day in a row. While my trainer was impressed with my dedication, my muscles were not happy with my newfound need to beat up on them.

Lily, my beautiful little pain in the butt of a dog waited nervously in the car for me. Nice fall day, I thought the fresh air would be good for her, I can be so naive some times. As I walked back I saw her shaking out of her fur as though she hadn’t seen me in years. I could go to the bathroom and walk out to her and still get the same reception, every time. When I got in the car I looked at the clock, 10:35am. The people coming to see my house were going to be there at 11 and since it only took 10 minutes for me to get back home I looked at the anxiety attack sitting next to me and said, “Well, what are we going to do for the next hour?” If she could talk I’m sure she would have recommended a blanket, a couch and a warm body. As I drove back home I figured I would go to the bank, run an errand, get gas and then drive over some glass…wait, COME ON, yup that was glass I just drove over. Oh how convenient, the cemetery is right here, “God…I know…it’s been awhile…but if Pepe wanted me to come see him, those flashing signs on the side of the road work to.”  

I could see the fright in my little dog’s eyes, “You’re leaving me again...here?!!”. "No dog, you get to come to". My visits are always well received, I feel the warmth around me and I can hear the rustlings of a home. I never met my Meme but one thing’s for sure, that’s her tidying up and not my Pepe. I always envision him in his old home, sitting on a recliner, something made of corduroy, with his glasses on…just listening, happy to see me. He has two good legs now and doesn’t like to sit too long. I catch him up on all my “poor me’s” and then we walk. I walked around the entire cemetery with Lily, the spaz, and my Pepe. I caught the grounds-man staring at me as I talked to myself, it couldn’t be the first time he saw someone doing that. Towards the end of our walk I found myself listening to my Pepe; he talked about the things that were important to him. And I swear, every time, I learn something new about my father. Maybe I can’t buy my children the latest gadgets or the most expensive Halloween costumes. Maybe I’m angry that I’m letting go of the roof over their heads, something I worked so hard to give them. Maybe I’m angry that my career is not so much a career anymore. I should stop being so angry, so selfish and I should remember what drove me to work for all of that in the first place. What can I keep doing for my children? I can love; I can parent them, play with them, tuck them into bed, teach them, read to them and love them completely and unconditionally. It doesn’t cost a thing, it’s something I can pass on to them and they can pass on to their children. I see this gift in Calvin already, and every time, I say “Thank you so much Mother Mary”. They won’t remember the Nike shoes I bought them that one Christmas but they will remember that I insisted on a kiss and hug every night before bed, yes even the 12 year old.

As we walked back to Pepe’s spot, I could feel my Meme’, as if she were coming out to greet me. The weather was crisp and warm, there was a gentle breeze and there were leaves and pieces of tree lying all around the ground and I realized that Lily was no longer in a state of panic. I felt my Pepe pat me on my back as an old memory came to mind, as if he were standing right in front of me “Remember when I used to give you a zero when you did gymnastics for me? I did that because I wanted you to work harder, challenge yourself more”. My Meme wrapped herself around me, a warm departing that brought tears to my eyes. So much of me wished to taste her cooking, sit with her at the dinner table and just watch her. And there I go down the selfish road again. Suck it up, my Pepe would say. As I got in the car I peaked at my tires, “Thanks for sparing them; can you work on a better sign next time?”

I said my Hail Mary and went home to drop Lily off; it was 11:27am. “Please God, sell this house”. I didn’t see a realtor card on the counter like I usually do so I called my realtor to make sure they weren’t running late. Apparently it was someone from her office and someone who actually might be interested in the house. “Don’t get your hopes up”, my realtor said. “We’ll see what it comes in at and if it’s worth sending to the bank”. No, there are no hopes, just my prayers and my faith that God has a plan. And he is clearly watching over me, it’s not even noon yet and I’m pretty sure he’s laughed at me twice today.